three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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