Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We had to coat check the pizza.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
