An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
