You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
