Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
