Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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