He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
