oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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