Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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