I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am in a vortex of obligation.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
