haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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