can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
