Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
