you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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