I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm always down for nudity.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
