toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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