Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
