im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
