I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
