I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
