No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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