i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
