I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
no you cant smoke seaweed
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
