peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
