Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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