are you so shy because you have an std?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im holly from the hills drunk
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
