Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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