I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
