So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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