Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
