it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
