I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
