well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
