Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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