Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
