I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
