she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Who died my cat blue again?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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