Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
