umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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