If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
