I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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