No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
