im six kinds of drunk right now
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
