I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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