he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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