there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
