I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
