Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
