So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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