you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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