My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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