dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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