kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
