I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
