On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
